The Elf

The following is a direct transcript of an recent SMS from a soprano friend of mine.

"Ah... Slightly indelicate question but um.. You wouldn't happen to be moonlighting dressed as a Christmas elf at Crown by any chance? Coz if you are, I'm right behind you." *

A Christmas Elf at Crown? Gracious me.

Those with the good fortune not to have personally encountered the Man in Velvet Trousers should, at this point, be made aware of the following:

• Your average Christmas elf stands a little over 2' whereas I'm a little under 6'.
• A Christmas elf's features are delicate and endearing, as opposed to spectacularly severe and confronting.
• The Christmas elf speaks in a high voice and probably never swears.
• Children tend to warm to Christmas elves; filling the air with joyous, innocent laughter in their company. If your child saw me in elf clothing, they would scream as though they'd been woken in a dark cornfield by having their forehead gently stroked by a rancid wino in a threadbare Santa outfit, with the severed head of their favourite stuffed toy.

While the mistake was clearly enormous, you can't help but love the symmetry of my soprano friend  mistaking a velvet trousered elf for The Man in Velvet Trousers who, in turn, is about as elfin as Tony Soprano.

N.B. Were I to "elf up," it would look like this

* Used with permission